The effort shows.
So here is how I'm going to break it down...
Intro (0:00 - 0:47): The bass was extremely fuzzy and it overshadowed the kick in the back. But there isn't much to say here other than you might want to equalize it a little. The break into the first part with the lyrics was decent and executed pretty well, however the bass came back and it just didn't seem right.
Buildup (0:48 - 2:07): A buildup should never take that long, and the snares went for 4 straight measures before hitting the chorus again. The crash cymbal was also missed when going into the chorus.
Chorus (2:08 - 2:33) Well, that wasn't very long...nothing else I can say than to lengthen this and shorten the buildup.
Bridge(2:34 - 2:57) Nice variation, but it lacks in substance.
Chorus and Outro (2:58 - 4:19) The chorus was, again, lacking. The outro, completely weak. Why would you slowly lower the volume during the outro when you are just going to end it with one final beat? Seems unneeded.
Besides trying to master this track, the melody was very exceptional and the little variations that kept it from being to repetitive. The effort and skill is there, but you need to hone them a little better. Also, on a final note, I would suggest changing the lead synth to something a little more appealing to the ear.
I liked it, and its a great start to a great song, but like I said, work with it.